Hundreds of Thousands Preparing for Battle This Weekend
Soleil
Transformational Coach
It's Canadian Thanksgiving weekend, and there are probably hundreds of thousands of people across the country preparing for battle.
Maybe you've caught yourself doing it.
"If Judy says that thing again, I'm leaving."
"If Mom comments on my shirt one more time, I'm telling her off."
"If Chris has even one drink, we're all in trouble."
Before anyone has sat down at the dinner table, before the turkey has been carved, before the first conversation has even started, many people have already begun rehearsing conflict in their heads.
The interesting thing is that this preparation often has more influence on the outcome of the gathering than the gathering itself.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Human beings are meaning-making machines.
When someone says something we don't like, we rarely react to the words alone. We react to what we believe those words mean.
A mother comments on a wrinkled shirt.
One person hears concern.
Another hears criticism.
The comment didn't change.
The meaning did.
And that meaning determines how we respond.
What If We Assumed Positive Intention?
One of the most useful concepts I've ever taught clients is the idea of assuming positive intention.
This doesn't mean becoming naïve.
It doesn't mean pretending harmful behaviour doesn't exist.
It simply means recognizing that our interpretation of someone else's actions is often just that: an interpretation.
Consider a few possibilities.
Maybe Mom keeps pointing out your wrinkled shirt because she's highly visual, and to her, your appearance signals how things are going in your life. Her comment may come from concern rather than criticism.
Maybe Judy isn't trying to trigger you at all. Maybe she's lonely and is attempting to connect in the only way she knows how.
Maybe Chris isn't trying to ruin dinner. Perhaps family gatherings create uncertainty for him, and that drink gives him something familiar to hold onto.
Are any of these explanations true?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
But here's a better question:
Are they any less true than the negative stories we usually make up?
The Chain Reaction of Assumptions
Most family arguments don't begin with bad intentions.
They begin with assumptions.
Mom says something.
Someone assumes she's criticizing them.
They react defensively.
Another family member assumes the reaction is disrespectful and jumps in.
Someone else feels attacked and escalates further.
Before long, nobody remembers what started the argument. They only remember how it felt.
The original comment wasn't the problem.
The stories attached to it were.
If You're Going to Make Up a Story Anyway...
The reality is that we are all constantly interpreting the behaviour of the people around us.
We're creating explanations.
We're assigning meaning.
We're telling ourselves stories about why people do what they do.
So if you're going to make up a story about what's happening anyway, why not choose one that gives you better results?
Why not choose the interpretation that leaves you calmer, more curious, more resourceful, and less reactive?
Why not assume positive intention before assuming malicious intent?
This Thanksgiving
This Thanksgiving, don't prepare for battle.
Don't spend the weekend rehearsing your defence.
Don't decide in advance what everyone else means before they've even opened their mouths.
Instead, get curious.
Ask yourself what positive intention might exist behind the behaviour you're seeing.
You don't have to be right.
You just have to choose a story that serves you better.
Because the meaning you attach to someone's behaviour will determine how you react to it.
